It is very possible to survive and heal after a partner has been unfaithful and with most couples if both partners are committed to making the relationship work they can have a thriving, loving, successful even stronger relationship. Although regaining trust offers difficult challenges for both partners, there is hope, especially when both partners are committed to repairing the relationship. One of the primary reasons couples seek counselling is for infidelity and of all the difficult experiences couples face, a betrayal is one of the worst. This is because the person we chose to be with, the one we felt we could count on is also the one who hurt us most and this can be devastating. I don’t know about you but I have definitely found myself slipping into moments where I am not necessarily so kind to myself. For me this often happens when I have made a mistake or when I’m having a tough day, when I am judging myself or comparing myself to others. I notice in those moments I tend to head straight to the negative self talk. Take a minute and think about what you’ve said to yourself today. Were they words of kindness and compassion, were they words of understanding or were you critical or unkind to yourself? How do you feel after you have these inner dialogues? Do you feel helped, refreshed and strong or do you feel depleted, exhausted or blue? Thoughts create feelings and therefore create your mood. How we talk to ourselves and about ourselves matters. The conversations we have with ourselves during the day can really impact how we feel about who we are and what we are capable of achieving. These moments of inner dialogue influence how we feel about ourselves and how we perceive the world around us. While positive self talk may come naturally to some people, most of us need to learn how to develop positive thoughts with practice. One of the issues that I see happen with a lot of people is Rumination – which is when you are replaying negative thoughts or negative self talk over and over in your head. A good way of thinking of it is imagine a hamster going around and around in a wheel for hours without stopping. Research shows that constant rumination contributes to anxiety and depression. I often get asked “What does it take to make a relationship successful?”
Daily work. That’s what. I understand this is probably not the answer you were hoping for, but I tend not to sugar coat things with fancy icing. The truth is relationships take work, not monumental, grand gesture, over the top work, but rather little daily moments where we turn toward our partner and provide things such as; support, kind words, a smile or loving touches. Love exists in our relationships because we make a daily choice to love our partner for who they are and the struggles they are working through. Real love, true love is a choice, it is choosing to love your partner in the moments where they are joyful and sweet as well as in the moments when they frustrate us and we think they are being an utter pain in the butt. Valentine’s Day is right around the corner, which can be fun for some people, but miserable for others. For a lot of individuals, this day has the potential to bring about feelings of inadequacy, loneliness and a lot of comparing ourselves to other people. Society tells us that we aren’t good enough if we aren’t in a relationship, and has a funny way of rubbing it in our faces. Walking through entire aisles of V-day gifts in the supermarket, and watching people we know profess their love on Facebook can be really challenging if we aren’t in a relationship (or if we aren’t happy with the one we are in). What society should be telling us, is that we are good enough for being who we are, and more than that, we should take the time to recognize it every day. This February (and every day, really) why not take the time to work on a little bit of SELF-love. Self-love has several wonderful benefits, and can actually counteract all those previously mentioned feelings. It can foster feelings of adequacy, boost confidence, increase happiness, and essentially erase the temptation to compare ourselves to others. Whether we are in a relationship or not, we ourselves are the ONE individual on this planet that we can rely on 100% of the time. The one person that will always be there, through the ups and downs, the good days and the bad days is YOU. So why not spend a little bit more time loving yourself, and appreciating yourself for just that? When was the last time you had fun together? Do you know how your partners’ day went? How often do you truly connect with your partner on a date night?
There are many reasons couples choose to go to therapy. Sometimes people choose to go to couples therapy to rebuild their relationship, maybe the couple is on the verge of separation, maybe they are struggling with communication, lovemaking, life stressors. Couples who are in strong, solid, committed relationships also attend therapy. Sometimes to create more connection and intimacy, or strengthen the relationship while things are good. A relationship doesn’t need to be in crisis for a couple to attend therapy. That being said, if your relationship is in crisis, couple’s therapy is one possible intervention. Couples therapy is not always an intervention though, sometimes it is used as prevention which can be much more effective for a successful relationship. Couples in good, even great relationships wisely attend therapy for maintenance to keep their relationship strong. Because the erosion of a relationship occurs slowly and steadily overtime, it is a good idea to attend couples therapy while issue are manageable. Every day couples experience normal distractions – work, stress, the stress of work, housework, helping the kids with homework. The list can go on and on and most often the relationship gets put on the back burner and so does the couple’s friendship, which is the root of a loving, successful relationship. Couples who attend therapy before crisis mode know that even a great relationship can benefit from enhancement, increased intimacy, better communication and the ability to manage conflicts better as a team. |
AuthorTrinity Wellness Centre News and Updates Archives
September 2019
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