I often get asked “What does it take to make a relationship successful?” Daily work. That’s what. I understand this is probably not the answer you were hoping for, but I tend not to sugar coat things with fancy icing. The truth is relationships take work, not monumental, grand gesture, over the top work, but rather little daily moments where we turn toward our partner and provide things such as; support, kind words, a smile or loving touches. Love exists in our relationships because we make a daily choice to love our partner for who they are and the struggles they are working through. Real love, true love is a choice, it is choosing to love your partner in the moments where they are joyful and sweet as well as in the moments when they frustrate us and we think they are being an utter pain in the butt. Couples come to counselling to make their relationship work because deep down they truly love each other and that love is strongest when built on a foundation of friendship. Not only do we need love for our partner for our relationship to grow and succeed but we also need to admire, respect and appreciate our partner and we need the same from them.
According to Relationship researcher John Gottman, how a couple interacts with each other is the most crucial aspect in creating and maintaining a successful relationship. This includes; how you speak to each other, how you get along, how you move together through life. It is in the small, daily choices we make that allow for love to thrive. One of the greatest predictors that your relationship will succeed is each partners’ ability to turn towards the other’s bids for attention. In every relationship each partner makes multiple bids for attention, affirmation and love every single day. A bid for attention is any gesture either verbal or nonverbal that is meant to create a positive connection with your partner. These can be moments when we pass our partner in the kitchen and reach out for a touch, give eye contact or smile. It can be when we ask simple things like “can you pass the potatoes” or “Look! It’s snowing today.” When we ask our partner to go for a walk with us. When this happens we have a few options. We can make the choice to turn toward our partner and acknowledge them, letting them know we heard what they had to say, we can choose turn away from our partner and ignore them or we can turn against our partner and dismiss them. When we choose to turn toward our partner and acknowledge their gesture is some way our partner hears things such as; I’m interested in you, I care what you have to say, I hear you, you are important to me. Each time we turn toward our partner it adds a deposit into our partner’s emotional bank account so that in those times when we are frustrated, hurt or feel disconnected from our partner we can pull from the emotional bank account and remember the connection we share with that specific person. Where issues arise is when the partner making a bid attempt goes unnoticed or is dismissed. After so many of these unacknowledged, dismissed moments our emotional bank account runs dry and we have no resources to pull from in times of struggle and disconnection which in turn can cause us to pull away, or turn away from our partner’s bids. Turning toward our partner’s bids for attention may seem small and yet when we make this choice we create connection with our partner and it is in the little moments that love is fostered and strengthened. -- Cece Wiens is our Registered Counsellor specializing in Couples Counselling. You can book an appointment with her by calling 403-238-8378. Comments are closed.
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AuthorTrinity Wellness Centre News and Updates Archives
September 2019
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